Death To All Suckiness
by TrueGriever
Summary: The best hroes kill the true evils of society, Barney and the Rangers!!!


            Ever since the riots stopped, New York had been a surprisingly good place to live. Considering you weren't a hot-blooded anti-hero bent on wiping out threats to mankind's existence. 

            Duke Nukem was sitting in his favorite bar, nursing a Budwieser and surrounded by beautiful women. The benefits of repelling an invasion of walking handbag lizards.

            He was about to order another beer until a massive explosion rocked the bar. The only thing that Duke liked besides beer and babes was blasting bad guys into puddles

            Outside, a bunch of clowns in costumes, carrying plastic weapons and dancing like a bunch of faeries and terrorizing a bunch of school kids. A pair of dinosaurs, one green and the other purple, were chewing on a bum. Farther away, a huge man with an afro was screaming like he had hemorrhoids. 

            Before Duke could unload some hot plasma justice on these slime-balls, the street between he and them exploded. Black fire and asphalt showered on the scene.

            Duke drew a bead on the slim dark figure that had just decimated Main Street, something kept him from firing. Two more figures emerged from the flaming crevasse.

             The smoke and dust cleared. Every pair of eyes focused on the interlopers. The first form, the one that had burst through the ground was a woman that radiated darkness. The second was a man in combat armor. He was as tall and foreboding as the first. 

            The last was a cute teenage girl covered in a black robe. Her short purplish hair, hung to her back. Without a second to spare, the three attacked the bad guys.

            The older woman carried a red glowing sword, which she used to slash the purple dino. The creature dodged and let out a horrifying cry. Dozens of child-like mutants crawled from the shadows and swarmed her.

            "Get off me, foul creatures! You will regret this insult!" screamed the woman.

            There was another explosion and several of the imps fell to the ground, instead of flying.

            "Megid!" cried the woman, followed by another explosion.

            Never to be a spectator, Duke cocked his machine guns and dove straight into the mass of child-demons. He could them chant_ I love you._ They were drowned out by the barking of twin machine guns and violet death-explosions.

            "I do not need your help, human." Said the babe between her blasts.

            "I always side with the babes." Duke replied, loading his guns.

            "I am Eterniti, you must be Duke Nukem."

            "Of course, nobody else could be **this** good looking."

            Eterniti wrenched her sword from demon spawn and ran toward its master. With one quick and clean move, it's head rolled free.

            On another part of the street, the man let out a howl and rushed the other dinosaur. Its terrifyingly shrill yell echoed his battle cry, _"YOSHI"_.

            The man unloaded a clip of an H&K VP70 pistol only to hit the creature's eggshells. The beast opened its rotting, slime-filled maw and lashed out with its tongue. 

            The soldier dodged, fired and rolled to avoid its appendage, but the tongue curved and wrapped his neck.

            Dropping his gun, he flew into its mouth. The dinosaur made a half choking, half chuckling noise, and laid a man-sized egg on the road.

            "Edge, don't worry, I'll help!" cried the girl.

            The girl clasped her hands and chanted something inaudible. "YOSHI" screamed the creature as it began to approach her. The ground shook as it stepped forward.

            With only a slight hesitation, the girl opened her eyes and cried "Rafoie!"

            An explosion of fire blew the egg holding Edge apart. As soon as he was free, Edge fired another gun, hitting the beast in the back. It sailed sideways into a brick wall. 

            "Thanks Pierce…Look out!" yelled Edge.

            "Yahaha, your fancy tricks won't work on me! I'm the best there ever was! Now little girl, get out your autograph book and camera. I won't charge to show you this move. **Super-magnificent-ultra-hyper-punch**!" 

            The afro-wearing man spun around and sent his giant fist straight into Pierce's face. There was a bright flash and a shrill, girlish scream. When the light faded, Pierce was standing watching the would-be champ laying on the ground clutching his broken hand.

            "Um…what happened?" uttered a confused Pierce.

            "That fool, his pride was merely a face for weakness." Eterniti replied.

            "That was so pathetic, I can't even laugh." Edge followed.

            "That outta shut him up." Replied Duke.

            "Oh no, it's up to us to stop them!" came a voice from behind.

            "We have to form our…**SUPERWEAPON**!" said another.

            "Let's go!" said yet another.

            The five of the rainbow colored fruits pranced in a circle, slamming together their battery-powered weapons into a huge mass of plastic that vaguely resembled a gun. 

            "**ULTRA-MORPHIN-BLASTER!**" screamed the costumed freaks in unison

            The device lit up and light flooded the street.

            Other than some slight discomfort from Eterniti, there was no effect. Pierce began a chant and Edge and Duke charged ahead, guns ready.

            "We have to form…the **Ultra-jungle-zord**!" said the red one, who ran away.         

            Out of nowhere, an overgrown toy robot marched into the street. The plastic giant wobbled and almost fell. Inside, Duke could hear, _Gidoffa my leg _and _Watch your elbow_!

            Finally the idiotic robot balanced and raised its arm. "Now try our Ultimate weapon."

            Four bottle rockets shot from its arm. The first missed by a wide margin, the second two bounced off Edge's armor and exploded on the street. The last landed on Pierce's robe.

            While Pierce desperately tried to smother the tiny flame, Duke and Edge rushed the mass of plastic. The pair of big men toppled the thing with little effort. 

            Once clear, Edge let loose a hail of bullets and Duke carpet-bombed with grenades until nothing moved. Eterniti floated over the steaming rubble.

            "Nothing lives." Was her reply to the crackling of charred plastic.

            Without another word, the quartet turned from the dirty, gore-covered street and walked towards the bar. Hercule, still screaming, got up and ran away.

            Pointing her finger, Eterniti breathed "Megid." And he tumbled over onto the body of the green dinosaur.

            For the rest of the night, the reigning heroes stayed in the bar. By morning, not one person there was sober.

            Author's note-

            Just to let you all know, this story was not written by me, it was written by a friend of mine, and I agreed to upload it on my account until he is able to have his own.


End file.
